This is the truth:

The mean people who act mean? I like them more than the mean people who act like they’re not. Because it’s only pretending. If you’re a jerk, then be a jerk. Don’t try to fool people into believing you’re a fucking saint, and then screw them over in the worst ways possible.

I’m not blogging as much as I used to. I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing, but I miss it, so here I am.

Recently, I’ve been in a bad mood. Maybe it’s hormones. Maybe it’s the people around me and the stupid things they say and do. Maybe it’s the fucktards that are trying to mess with one of my best friends. Maybe it’s school-related stress. Maybe it’s my upcoming 20th birthday which I’ve been dreading for awhile. Maybe it’s because I won’t be seeing Elle for another three years. Maybe it’s because I miss my parents and I miss Hong Kong and I’m sad that I won’t be going to visit this month. Or it could be all of these things. I don’t know. All I know is that I snap twice as easily and I’m unable to deal with run-of-the-mill bullshit with as much easy indifference as I’m used to.

I’m just thankful for the amazing friends I have. The ones I’ve had for years, and the ones I have recently discovered. I’ve spending about 90% of my time with them and it’s been a blast. I’m also thankful that there’s a cheap and easy way to communicate with the parentals even if they’re a thousand miles away. Other things to be thankful for: coffee and photography, and my dog, Ginger.

Photos courtesy of Carla. And I’m signing off. It’s been a long day, or at least it’s felt like it.

It’s weird to think of how my life is “opposites extreme” at the moment. When I’m with my friends, it’s heaps fun. I smile, I laugh, I don’t give a fuck. And then when I’m all alone…I’m freaking out, on the inside, almost over everything. Kinda feels like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders sometimes and then it gets hard to breathe.

Earlier, alone in my room, I started making deals with God. I’ll be better. I’ll have faith again. I’ll go to church. I’ll do charity. I’ll clean my room myself. ANYTHING. As long as I get what I’m hoping to get. And while I was making said deals, iTunes started playing the most perfect song just to illustrate the moment: World Spins Madly On by The Weepies.

I’d give anything for peace of mind right now. And I wish I could be with my friends. Always.

Don’t listen to “Boston” by Augustana while thinking of your ex, and the memories, and all that shit…while it’s raining and the sky is all full of grey clouds. Geez. Could I be any more typically pathetic right now?

It’s a pretty song though.

Someone asked me today if I still miss him. And I said, “Everyday”.

Ho hum.

Fell asleep with your ghost
Woke up with a headache
From a cure that’s only temporary
And in the morning, always fails me.

I would rather stay up all night and burn my lungs with cigarettes than dream about you again. I still think you need to get over yourself, and then maybe I can get over you.

You, me and the elephant in the room makes three. You love the way I smell and I love to wear your clothes when we’re sitting together on the couch, unaware of the time passing by.

You’ve got me spinning around in circles and now I’m so confused as to what you want and who you really are that I have to murder my hair just to find some sort of semblance of myself that doesn’t feel like a total stranger. Just to find the slight sliver of peace and the assurance that change can happen, no matter how small.

You bring out the worst and the best in me.